i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
