fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
