Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Randomize
