He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
