you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
