i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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