hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
