Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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