I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
