he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
