I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
