She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
