Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
home. puking in laundry basket.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
