she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Randomize
