I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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