True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
