ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
