Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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