She went from zero to smokin in five shots
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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