M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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