his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
