i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Randomize
