I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
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