Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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