Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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