Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
