It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
