cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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