one two three fourrrrnication!
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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