Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
