I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Randomize
