Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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