I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
