I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Just pee around me
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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