dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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