I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
