I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
