I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
