theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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