The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
