Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
