I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
He's on the porch naked. Help.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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