nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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