It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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