Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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