We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
