If that was your dad, he is hot
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
