be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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