Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
