i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
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